Use fear at the right time

Isn’t it amazing how much your thinking can change with your mood? When my fear is triggered, I can question things that in any other moment I know are quite secure. It’s something to respect about our humanity. Fear doesn’t just change how we think. Fear changes what we think. Fear activates a kind of supercomputer that runs through an astounding number of possibilities, ch...
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How to be vulnerable and strong at the same time

  At our core, we are all vulnerable. It doesn’t matter how tough, sarcastic or stoic we’ve learned to be. We can’t be authentic but not vulnerable at times. In relationships, vulnerable feelings like sadness and fear draw us into connection with others. They create our appetite for closeness. But without the proper attention, our vulnerability can drive communicatio...
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A Therapist’s Take on Being an Identical Twin

You may not know this about me, but I have a twin sister. That's us in the picture. When people hear this about me, often the very next question is “Are you identical?” For whatever reason, my sister and I assumed we were identical twins until we were older teenagers. At the time, I didn’t think much about it the significance. But as an adult (and a therapist) I know that th...
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What to Say When: “You’re afraid someone is angry with you”

This weekend my husband and I stumbled into a conversation that turned our nice dinner out into a frosty misunderstanding. We were talking about something light and nostalgic, when somehow one of my comments gave my husband the impression that I was trying to “pick a fight” with him. I wasn't. In my mind, I was recalling a memory. But soon after I experienced what felt like an ...
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How to have a good relationship with your anger

Anger serves an important purpose, but it must be managed. When we're angry, we may say things we later regret. Or we may not advocate for our needs by speaking up if something is bothering us. If either scenario fits for you, here are some ways to keep things in balance when it comes to anger: Get to know your personal anger signals. Maybe you internalized the idea...
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Five Lessons I Had to Learn to Be Better In My Relationships

I stand before you on this Valentine’s Day, immensely grateful for the wisdom I found rather late in my life. I turned 40 this year. And if I could tell my 20-something self that I would be 36 before getting married, I probably would’ve lost my marbles. Or more likely, I wouldn’t have believed it, because I was blind to the relationship truths I’m going to share with you today…...
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5 ways to be more self-compassionate

Instead of judging yourself harshly when you….Feel Angry…. Appreciate that anger is information. Anger tells you that you are reaching a tolerance limit and you need something. You may need distance from someone or something. You may need to take action, adjust course, or need to eat, rest or connect with someone for support. Instead of judging yourself harshly when you….Mak...
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This shift makes a huge difference

Do you feel like you're giving a lot... to your partner, family and work... but it's not hitting the mark like you thought it would? If the answer is yes, you are not alone. There was a time in my own life that I felt this way. I thought that being my "best self" meant I should focus on others as much as possible. I worked in the helping professions, and I spent a lot of tim...
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The Do’s and Don’ts of Persuasion

  It may not always seem like it, but fundamentally we all change in a similar way. Ideally in childhood our parents let us experience an appropriate amount of uncomfortable consequences when we acted out. By experiencing this discomfort, we identified our own personal reasons why the behavior (or misbehavior) was not in our best interest. And ideally, this mechanis...
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